And I am a dawg trainer??

Well, yes and no. The dawgs, particularly mine, seem to train me pretty well., too. It's a two way street. They also know exactly when to cause complete havoc and when to lay low. They are really great pooches and wonderful, just wonderful companions. Truth is - I'd be so lonely without them.

Last Wednesday I was headed to church for the $2.50 fried chicken dinner. I knew Michelle Stock was cooking and though I have rarely made the famous weekly dinners over the years due to working late, I was determined to get there on time and not walk in late only to find I'd missed 'a good one.' as people usually report, wiping their smiling faces with napkins..Quarter past the hour and you could be sadly outta luck. (S.O.L.)

I'm driving eastbound along the somewhat busy Lassen Lane, en route to church and just west of the cemetery when I see two very happy dogs running side by side westbound with that look of absolute freedom and contentment! Tongues hanging out, tails a waggin', lollygagging along in traffic. Cars were honking and slowing and I knew instinctively what to do. I glance at my watch. 4:50 pm. Not now! Southern fried chicken in ten minutes!

Oh well, follow the Golden Rule, Waller! I pulled over to the shoulder of the road but hurriedly so as I don't want the dogs to go past me in their galloping. I'm somewhat out in the road still but manage to set the emergency brake, tell my two dogs to 'stay' and I quickly jumped out and sweet talked the two scoundrels to come to me. I act like we are long lost friends..Fortunately, they obey and I have both hands on their collars - One is a 50 lb.female blue meryl Australian Shepherd and her running mate is a 90 pound Golden Retriever. They each have tags on and I am mindful not only of the mashed potatoes that await my fork but also that the veterinary clinic closes in about 8 minutes, as does the Siskiyou County Animal Control office. I need to know to whom these lovely creatures belong to and fast! There is no animal control officer to pick them up and well, the ARK is rather full. IS this how Noah did it? Remember our theme song "Three furry cats, two silly dogs and a parrot in an RV.."

So, picture this. My two dogs (Millie 'n Moe) are barking and whining and wanting to push past me to get out of the 4 Runner (Beehind Runner) and play. Miller Waller is a 58 lb black Labrador Retriever whom I loving call 'Millie Jordan' because she is a super athlete like Michael Jordan. Mighty Moe is a 17 lb funny looking terrier with that "I just woke up' look and seal brown eyes that are irresistible. People I know  from the community are driving by, honking and waving and probably thinking "Oh there she goes again! Gone to the dogs!" and I'm admonishing my two to 'GIT IN THAT FRONT SEAT AND STAY! STAY!" while trying to look at the license numbers of one of the five tags the two guest appearance dogs are wearing. My dogs are up front, in back, up front, in back... I'm barking commands at them while sweet talking the newbies..

The two honored guests are not really interested in getting into the car of a stranger - It's pure pandemonium. I finally get the vet clinic (where I used to work) on the cell phone and put the phone on speaker and lay it on the seat while reaching for the leashes which are between the front seats, looped around seat belts and such... I shmooshed the grime off of the tag with a hard press between my thumb and forefinger. These dogs have been around! I needed to see the ID number to locate the owner's records. Meanwhile "GIT IN THE FRONT AND STAY!"  Now I am trying to get the Aussie into the back seat (I SAID 'GIT IN THE FRONT MILLER, MOE!") and she reluctantly got in and needless to say, my two beloved pups are ecstatic. Meanwhile,  the Golden Boy will only get his paws in like a 90 lb baby... Hey, Lady! Could you lift me up, please?  Uh, no. Big baby..Just jump in!! Get your big butt up there!
He's not going for it so...No amount of encouragement nor cajoling on my part is going to convince him to jump up. OK, it's a high platform but hey, if I can do it....

 Now the nervous Aussie jumps out past me, jerking my arm pretty hard- citizens pass and wave or stare.... Ugh! Jackie finally gives me the phone number of the owner while we verify the descriptions of the two escapees and I think I have it memorized and hang up but a few more bad thoughts go through my head and I can't recall it exactly..I don't want to miss the 5 pm closing time of the clinic so I strap a leash around one of the dogs outside of the SUV (MILLER,MOE! GET UP THERE!) fumble around for some paper and pen and GIT BACK UP FRONT! call Jackie back. She is gracious and gives me the number again, probably thinking I am a dim-wit BACK UP FRONT YOU TWO! Sweet Jesus, help me! It's gotta be 4:59ish...

I called the owner and ask her if she is missing two dogs and she says "No. Why?"  Well, I'm staring at an Aussie and Golden Retriever and they have your tags on them. "Oh,' she quips, "I'm in Oregon! Guess they got out!"  So, she is going to call a neighbor and I will meanwhile try to get them in the  SUV and over to her house just a few blocks, GIT IN THE CAR, MILLIE!, away .

I decide to try the passenger side of the car and bring the 140 lbs of reluctant canines with me - Hoping to have better luck on the starboard side of the rig... "No go' so I just told the Aussie not to bite me because I was going to just pick her up and place her kindly in the back seat of a car she doesn't recognize with two unruly doggies she has never seen nor smelled in her life and we have no time for introductions since they are no doubt down to the corn and salad being served by now. Maybe they'll have a few wings left! Yum! My favorite!

She was a gracious pooch, as are ALL Australian Shepherds and let me do what I needed to do and my dogs were tired of being walloped verbally a few times so they stayed in front and sniffed the air. The Golden was only going as far as his front feet so yes, since my knight in shining armor wasn't standing around, this little blonde-haired dawg trainer with a very sore neck hoisted him in, with good body posture, mind you.

I shut the door like one closes up a Jack In The Box, hoping nothing would spring open and fly out. I had a food train to catch and was hoping that at the very least, there would be bread pudding and coffee left. I was drooling by now. My taste buds were late for an appointment. My morning cereal was long gone.

Off we went in search of the owner's address that Ms. Dyslexic was trying to remember - 1431 or 1341 Pine Grove.? Oh, bother!
I called the owner of the shedding beasts again and she guided me to her house and her neighbor's house. Ah, a fenced yard with a very happy chocolate Lab who thinks that the Doggie Day Care bus had just arrived and are we going out for ice cream? I had 20 dog paws, 4 slurping tongues, 8 dilated eyes and 4 wagging tails and lots of commotion inside the good ol' red 4 Runner. Now I had to get the proper two dogs out and keep my two in..just Ok, YOU come out, No! You stay, No, YOU STAY, You come out!"  Oh goodness.What a zoo!

All went well and I nodded to the kind neighbor who was glad to see the familiar faces and I raced off to   church. I could smell the fried chicken from 3 blocks away! Watch check - 5:10pm and as I looked through the nose print designs on the front window, I could see it was going to be a long line as the parking lot was full. I raced in, zoomed into the Ladies Loo and wiped off white and blonde fur off of my new-to-me royal blue vest. No, it's not supposed to look like cashmere. Quickly, I scrubbed my hands like a surgeon, checked the mascara that had smeared and made me look like a prize fighter and yes, by golly, this is a woman ready for a decent church-cooked meal!

There is a God and there was plenty of food, smiling faces, hugs, laughter and after I sat down with my plate full of food, I thanked the good LORD for His mercy shed upon me once again. I also knew that so many times in my life people have helped me and been late for this or that commitment or even sacrificed meals completely.  LORD bless all of those who have helped me and my family over the years and yes,, LORD bless our pets, too. Keep them safe from harm. Lord, while You are at it, help me to be the person my dogs think I am.
Amen